My friend Mark.

I always have had a hard time putting my emotions into words. Half the time I don't think I could even find a word that describes my feelings. As I have been pondering my emotions after Mark's passing I don't know exactly how to describe my emotion or even know how I exactly feel. All I know is that Mark was probably the greatest influence in life growing up besides my parents and God.
In high school Mark was larger than life. He had many friends, girlfriends, and was generally known by everyone. I was not. My love for playing sports was the only reason, outside my small group of friends, that anyone really knew me. I was shy out of necessity. I just didn't have the confidence to let anyone I didn't know see my true personality. My high school life included hanging out with my group of friends and playing football. Socially, I was in a cocoon trapped by an unknown fear of being embarrassed or rejection. I did not date or go to dances (my senior year I went to some because It was expected), or any social events with seminary or high school.
Mark and I were friends mostly through boy scouts and church. I was his partner in many ways. We tried to make our Sunday School teachers and Scout leaders pull their hair out. I enjoyed being Marks cohort, but our friendship outside of church was strictly on the football field.
Our friendship changed when I took Mark up on an offer he had made to me at the beginning of the summer to work with him at his dad's company. I learned hard work especially as we pushed each other to lift and put up more scaffold. The work ethic I learned there has influence my work in the rest of my life. I believe Mark could see my deficiencies in social interaction from the day we started working together. I got razed a little bit from Mark, and our other buddies Scott and Ivan. He taught me in "his way" (for Mark had his own way for doing everything), about having confidence in yourself. He believed everyday was an adventure so why worry about what others thought. Every day he built me up and made me feel like if I put myself out there I would see rewards. In Mark's eyes, popularity and social skills were all about how you felt about yourself. I learned to dress better, go on dates, and even talk to people I wouldn't normally talk to. I soon learned that nobody could make me feel inferior but myself. This was a much needed thing for me to learn as I was preparing for a mission.
I went on my mission and when I got back Mark was there again helping me get back to normal life. He was there as I got rejected and didn't let me crawl back into hiding so I wouldn't fall back into my social comfort zone. I spent many days with Mark and Liz helping Mark with his in laws house and washing cars and so forth. I appreciated his friendship so much as I considered him my best friend.
Well I made another choice to find that led me to my new best friend. I decided working for scaffolding with Mark was only going to get me so far so I decided to go off to college to get an education. While this choice made me realize how much school was a challenge for me it led to my beautiful wife Sara. The confidence Mark instilled in me helped me have the ability to make that leap when I knew it was right.
Sara and I were married and moved to Mesa. Mark was there for me and helped me find work when I struggled through some tough times. I let life get away from me and I didn't see Mark as much. We would talk once in a while and play World of Warcraft together. He became a police officer something he wanted to do from when I first got home from my mission. I became an electrician.
The day he called me and told me about his ALS I didn't know what to say. I was extremely sad and at a loss. I could only imagine what his family felt. I wanted to be there, I wanted to help take care of him. I didn't. I fell back into my social fear. I believed Mark had so many friends and people who loved him that I felt I was insignificant. I went to social gatherings we had with Mark and saw all our old high school acquaintances and I felt like I was back to being that loser in high school. Sara was on me everyday to go see Mark but I couldn't. I couldn't deal with the sadness I felt and felt like that's they last thing they needed. I forgot everything Mark instilled in me and hid. I finally visited him at his home. He was bed ridden and had to use his eyes on his computer to communicate. When I left I hurt so badly. How could this man so full of life be there like that. Since his passing I haven't been able to truly expressed my emotions and I've barely cried. For some reason I have been holding it in and its eating me up inside.
So here is my condensed version of what you meant to me Mark and I needed to put down my feelings on paper. I wanted to say I miss you and I am sorry for not being there. You will always be one of my greatest friends.

Catching up

Well I haven't blogged for a while. My struggles with ADHD are constant but it eventually just fades in with rest of my busy life. I am very busy with work and other stuff. Christmas is around the corner and I am excited for it to be here because i will finally be getting a slower schedule of work. I feel like I have many victories in the past year in an effort to move on past the troubles i feel when dealing with ADHD. I have felt confidence growing every day in my profession and the ability to adjust to the many different assignments given to me in the electrical industry. When I first started construction many tasks would feel difficult for me to grasp and how to attack it in a successful way without failing. The less I knew about the ins and outs of the project the harder it would be for me.
Well most electricians who have been in the field 10 plus years get tasks they never have done before so you have to be able to adjust and be able to grasp concepts quickly. Well I have been able to do that and with confidence. While I am in no way saying I figured the trade out i just am excited for what I call a small victory in my ongoing battle.

Sgt. Impulsive

One thing that has been a constant struggle for me is that of being impulsive. It is a common thing associated with ADHD and for me is all too common. Poor Sara is often a victim of my impulsiveness.
Well on Thursday I went to pick up the house keys from sara at school due to me loosing them on a hiking trail, (another crazy Andy story), when I interrupted story time in her class. Well Sara gave me instructions of things to do before we could leave for our trip to Idaho. Well being the goofball I am I saluted her which got a rise from her class. Sara then looked at me with a slightly frustrated look and explained to me that her class was in trouble for no being respectful of adults and that what I was teaching them was counterproductive to that. Well Sara gave me some more instruction and in response before thinking I gave her a salute again. This was responded by one of her kids saluting her and saying, "Aye Aye Captain."
Sara scolded the student and gave me a look that would pierce the skin of the roughest Sailors soul. I knew I had blown it and the worst thing is I could give no explanation to why I did it. Sara had just told me why that wasn't helping and she has such a hard time with some of theses kids and the last thing she needs is her best friend making things worse. I still to this moment can't give an explanation for my actions.
I left her class texting her and begging for an apology. She said she really didn't care and I believed her mostly, but I think it hurt me more that I couldn't think of the my actions before I did it. This is actually a minor case I've had far worse consequences for my impulsiveness, but no matter how minor it is hard to put a finger on why I do such things.

Sara

This blog is here for me to talk about my experiences with ADHD but today I want write about someone that has to deal with my ADHD on a regular basis. My beautiful wife Sara has been by there with me since I was first diagnosed with ADHD she was also there when we first realized there was something keeping me back from being as successful as i could be. She has been my inspiration and my strength. My life would be empty without her. I am so thankful for her because of her unyielding patience with me with my struggles.
When she asks me to do something and after like two seconds I forget I can tell nothing frustrates her more, but yet she still loves me. I am truly lucky for my wife and I am so happy she is my soulmate and that I get to spend eternity with her.
I love my wife Sara.

An ADHD Day

Today was a day similar to ones I have had in the past. I call it an ADHD day, days which my ADHD or effects of it manifest itself clear as day. I struggled at work today and didn't accomplish as much as I would have liked to.
To me, the details of what went wrong today are not as important as the effect it has on things. I tried to accomplish a simple task, one I have done successfully many times. I fell into a roadblock I did not have the correct materials to accomplish the task the easiest way. Usually this leads to an onset of mild frustration, but I usually can push through it. Well as I tried many different alternate applications I kept failing to accomplish my task. A task which normally takes 15 to 20 minutes is starting to take almost twice that. Feeling the need to finish frustration starts to mount. With me and my struggles this usually is the beginning of more frustration.

Usually what happens when I get frustrated and start putting pressure on myself my energy towards the task is doubled. I move much quicker which doesn't help the situation. I feel like the more I want to accomplish the task the more it seems like everything that could go wrong does. Errors compound errors and it almost feels like my world is going to collapse around me. The best example I could use is imagine doing a task that requires precise accuracy with your fingers such as screwing on small nuts or or working with small pieces, now imagine trying to accomplish it with huge snow mittens on your fingers.

What usually helps me when I have gotten to this point is to take a step back and take a minute to calm down and refocus. It works 80 pct of the time. Sometimes it just doesn't or I don't have the time to take a minute. Again as I said before my world around me feels to be closing in. Its at these times I understand why so many people who have ADHD have trouble holding down jobs or are on social security. Why would anyone want a job when they have to feel this way. It makes me want to run and hide in the corner far away from any problems and makes me not want to ever go back to work. I am lucky though because I usually have found ways away from this impending doom. I was taught the value of having pride in ones work and know the feeling of accomplishment. Just the mere fact that I have fought hard when things are tough is what gets me through this. I seem to always find a way.

It does help that I really enjoy my job even though it may sound like I don't. Its not the job making me feel this way, but sometimes certain factors put on by my some co-workers can make things harder. Today I persevered on and accomplished my task much slower than I wanted but nevertheless I did. This does not happen everyday or even very often but when it does it can be hard to deal with.

Whats wrong with me?

Its hard to describe exactly what I have struggled with. In no way am I trying to say that I have a hard life or that everything that has gone wrong in my life is a result of my ADHD. I just would like others to hear from me in my own words what it is like for me.
What does the fact I have been diagnosed with ADHD even mean to me? Well basically all it is a name I can put on to what I feel are weaknesses I struggle with everyday. I hope through out this blog I can tell you experiences that will maybe help you understand why I am the way I am.