My friend Mark.

I always have had a hard time putting my emotions into words. Half the time I don't think I could even find a word that describes my feelings. As I have been pondering my emotions after Mark's passing I don't know exactly how to describe my emotion or even know how I exactly feel. All I know is that Mark was probably the greatest influence in life growing up besides my parents and God.
In high school Mark was larger than life. He had many friends, girlfriends, and was generally known by everyone. I was not. My love for playing sports was the only reason, outside my small group of friends, that anyone really knew me. I was shy out of necessity. I just didn't have the confidence to let anyone I didn't know see my true personality. My high school life included hanging out with my group of friends and playing football. Socially, I was in a cocoon trapped by an unknown fear of being embarrassed or rejection. I did not date or go to dances (my senior year I went to some because It was expected), or any social events with seminary or high school.
Mark and I were friends mostly through boy scouts and church. I was his partner in many ways. We tried to make our Sunday School teachers and Scout leaders pull their hair out. I enjoyed being Marks cohort, but our friendship outside of church was strictly on the football field.
Our friendship changed when I took Mark up on an offer he had made to me at the beginning of the summer to work with him at his dad's company. I learned hard work especially as we pushed each other to lift and put up more scaffold. The work ethic I learned there has influence my work in the rest of my life. I believe Mark could see my deficiencies in social interaction from the day we started working together. I got razed a little bit from Mark, and our other buddies Scott and Ivan. He taught me in "his way" (for Mark had his own way for doing everything), about having confidence in yourself. He believed everyday was an adventure so why worry about what others thought. Every day he built me up and made me feel like if I put myself out there I would see rewards. In Mark's eyes, popularity and social skills were all about how you felt about yourself. I learned to dress better, go on dates, and even talk to people I wouldn't normally talk to. I soon learned that nobody could make me feel inferior but myself. This was a much needed thing for me to learn as I was preparing for a mission.
I went on my mission and when I got back Mark was there again helping me get back to normal life. He was there as I got rejected and didn't let me crawl back into hiding so I wouldn't fall back into my social comfort zone. I spent many days with Mark and Liz helping Mark with his in laws house and washing cars and so forth. I appreciated his friendship so much as I considered him my best friend.
Well I made another choice to find that led me to my new best friend. I decided working for scaffolding with Mark was only going to get me so far so I decided to go off to college to get an education. While this choice made me realize how much school was a challenge for me it led to my beautiful wife Sara. The confidence Mark instilled in me helped me have the ability to make that leap when I knew it was right.
Sara and I were married and moved to Mesa. Mark was there for me and helped me find work when I struggled through some tough times. I let life get away from me and I didn't see Mark as much. We would talk once in a while and play World of Warcraft together. He became a police officer something he wanted to do from when I first got home from my mission. I became an electrician.
The day he called me and told me about his ALS I didn't know what to say. I was extremely sad and at a loss. I could only imagine what his family felt. I wanted to be there, I wanted to help take care of him. I didn't. I fell back into my social fear. I believed Mark had so many friends and people who loved him that I felt I was insignificant. I went to social gatherings we had with Mark and saw all our old high school acquaintances and I felt like I was back to being that loser in high school. Sara was on me everyday to go see Mark but I couldn't. I couldn't deal with the sadness I felt and felt like that's they last thing they needed. I forgot everything Mark instilled in me and hid. I finally visited him at his home. He was bed ridden and had to use his eyes on his computer to communicate. When I left I hurt so badly. How could this man so full of life be there like that. Since his passing I haven't been able to truly expressed my emotions and I've barely cried. For some reason I have been holding it in and its eating me up inside.
So here is my condensed version of what you meant to me Mark and I needed to put down my feelings on paper. I wanted to say I miss you and I am sorry for not being there. You will always be one of my greatest friends.